Captain's Personal Blog II
Captain's Personal Blog: 06292019
(Author's note: specifics are not covered here. I am non-binary, originally preferring she/her pronouns, currently preferring they/them online. I was born with female parts, and while specifics are not covered, you can probably make some educated guesses)
cw: discussion of medical issues
Sometimes, life catches you off guard. Sometimes life throws you
curveballs. And sometimes, those curveballs hit you square in the
face and knock you on your ass, making you wonder what you did in a
past life to merit this kind of treatment by the Universe.
In my case, it was a health issue that couldn't be rectified by standard treatment. Surgery happened. An organ was removed. Recovery was tough, but I managed it.
Almost two months after I left the hospital, around the time I could function normally, Star Trek Discovery premiered.
What an exciting time! I could watch Trek, which was something I loved anyway, and it could help distract me while I worked on getting my muscles back under control (abdominal surgery is fun in that regard), and could start feeling normal again.
It turned out to be a more amazing show that I could have imagined. Sure, it has it's flaws, but what Trek series doesn't? Episodes that are problematic, characters that show up twice and then vanish with no explanation, storylines that make little to no sense. (Worse when you literally have one episode to write it. Disco benefits from not being episodic)
In my case, it was a health issue that couldn't be rectified by standard treatment. Surgery happened. An organ was removed. Recovery was tough, but I managed it.
Almost two months after I left the hospital, around the time I could function normally, Star Trek Discovery premiered.
What an exciting time! I could watch Trek, which was something I loved anyway, and it could help distract me while I worked on getting my muscles back under control (abdominal surgery is fun in that regard), and could start feeling normal again.
It turned out to be a more amazing show that I could have imagined. Sure, it has it's flaws, but what Trek series doesn't? Episodes that are problematic, characters that show up twice and then vanish with no explanation, storylines that make little to no sense. (Worse when you literally have one episode to write it. Disco benefits from not being episodic)
The main character is a woc, a diverse cast, openly gay characters, a
character who appears to be autistic that everyone loves and
respects, and the beginning of some intense character arcs. The
storylines are good. Sure, there's no cowboy planet, there's no
holodeck malfunctions (the holodeck doesn't even exist yet), and it
contains a bigger twist than any Trek ever... it's still really damn
good.
[Unity, friendship, respect, and compassion are big themes, even moreso than previous Treks]
A year after my surgery, the problem that prompted it came back full
force. It wasn't supposed to come back like that, and there was a
chance it wouldn't at all. In December 2018, it was suggested I take
the step further from what I'd done in 2017, and have all the
offending organs removed.
Disco wasn't due for almost a month, and they were scheduling me for surgery in February. Like magic, Disco's S2 premiere came out just before I went in.
It couldn't have come at a better time.
One of the removed organs, it turned out, contained a *second* finding of completely self-contained cancer. (The first removal had been for an out of control cyst, which had contained a similar cancer). Despite the fact that it had been fully contained, they strongly recommended chemotherapy.
Disco wasn't due for almost a month, and they were scheduling me for surgery in February. Like magic, Disco's S2 premiere came out just before I went in.
It couldn't have come at a better time.
One of the removed organs, it turned out, contained a *second* finding of completely self-contained cancer. (The first removal had been for an out of control cyst, which had contained a similar cancer). Despite the fact that it had been fully contained, they strongly recommended chemotherapy.
As
you might expect, I was devastated.
I don't really have much in the way of friends, or family, so I'm extremely lucky that I'm poly and in a relationship with two people. They're most of my support system. You might argue that I should go to chemo groups, cancer therapy, what have you. The problem is, I'm an introvert, an anxious wreck, and I don't really like people on the best days. Now here I was, at my utter worst. There was literally no way in HELL I was going to go interact with a room full of people I didn't know.
Especially since I learned real fast that Jesus is invoked every other sentence if you mention cancer, cancer itself is treated as a dirty word, and people who don't know you will tell you "it gets better" when you still have the pre-hair-falling-out buzz cut and are wearing a mask. BECAUSE I ASKED.
So yeah I want to go somewhere and listen to some Karen whining about her cancer. I don't care. I literally do not care if you survived, obviously you did, I'm listening to you bitch about it. It's not Jesus like you think. It's the fucking chemo and the tirelessly working nurses and doctors that cured you. Not praying as hard as you can. Do you know how much that degrades the people who don't get better? Not to mention the people who don't believe in that level of bullshit, that if you pray hard enough your problems will all go away. So if they don't, it's my fault? THANKS. (If Jesus works for you, great. It just doesn't work for me. Shoving it down my throat doesn't help)
I didn't find God when I got diagnosed with cancer. I found Trek.
I don't really have much in the way of friends, or family, so I'm extremely lucky that I'm poly and in a relationship with two people. They're most of my support system. You might argue that I should go to chemo groups, cancer therapy, what have you. The problem is, I'm an introvert, an anxious wreck, and I don't really like people on the best days. Now here I was, at my utter worst. There was literally no way in HELL I was going to go interact with a room full of people I didn't know.
Especially since I learned real fast that Jesus is invoked every other sentence if you mention cancer, cancer itself is treated as a dirty word, and people who don't know you will tell you "it gets better" when you still have the pre-hair-falling-out buzz cut and are wearing a mask. BECAUSE I ASKED.
So yeah I want to go somewhere and listen to some Karen whining about her cancer. I don't care. I literally do not care if you survived, obviously you did, I'm listening to you bitch about it. It's not Jesus like you think. It's the fucking chemo and the tirelessly working nurses and doctors that cured you. Not praying as hard as you can. Do you know how much that degrades the people who don't get better? Not to mention the people who don't believe in that level of bullshit, that if you pray hard enough your problems will all go away. So if they don't, it's my fault? THANKS. (If Jesus works for you, great. It just doesn't work for me. Shoving it down my throat doesn't help)
I didn't find God when I got diagnosed with cancer. I found Trek.
[or really, I found Trek again.]
The community of Trek, and it's
actors, have treated me with more kindness and respect than my fellow
(local) sufferers. Discovery in all it's flawed, gorgeous glory, gave
me the perfect sort of distraction.
I could disappear into a world of ray guns and aliens, of people who loved and respected each other and were not ashamed to admit it. I could pretend I wasn't being pumped full of horrible chemicals every three weeks.
And then Discovery Season Two ended.
For a moment, I floundered. My chemo wasn't going to be done until the end of July. Most of my summer was gone. I needed surgery for a tiny fistula that developed, and that was going to take the rest of my summer. What was I going to do?
My husband suggested TNG.
My girlfriend suggested I review TAS.
Things got better again. I had my distractions. Something to look forward to again. Something to really enjoy, whether it was because I could roast the hell out of an episode that read like it was written by a 15 year old girl (I'm looking at you, Legacy), or because it was genuinely good, like Fistful of Datas, or Inner Light.
I could disappear into a world of ray guns and aliens, of people who loved and respected each other and were not ashamed to admit it. I could pretend I wasn't being pumped full of horrible chemicals every three weeks.
And then Discovery Season Two ended.
For a moment, I floundered. My chemo wasn't going to be done until the end of July. Most of my summer was gone. I needed surgery for a tiny fistula that developed, and that was going to take the rest of my summer. What was I going to do?
My husband suggested TNG.
My girlfriend suggested I review TAS.
Things got better again. I had my distractions. Something to look forward to again. Something to really enjoy, whether it was because I could roast the hell out of an episode that read like it was written by a 15 year old girl (I'm looking at you, Legacy), or because it was genuinely good, like Fistful of Datas, or Inner Light.
[you hate Pulaski less (or not at all) when you remember she's an analog of McCoy.]
Sure, I still feel awful on the
fourth day after chemo. Sure, when I'm on the Friday before my next
visit, I still feel bad that I'm going to be looking forward to that
in a week, to sitting for 3-4 hours in a chair with an iv stuck in my
arm, that hurts because the vein is a little too small or the
needle's in a bad spot, and I'm going to taste metal for days, and
I'm going to hurt like I was hit by a truck six weeks ago…
But there's Trek. There always will BE Trek. Whether I'm rewatching Starship Mine for the eighth time, or watching the first episode of Picard when it comes out, whether I'm bingeing DS9 for the 3rd time, or maybe watching the first episode of Lower Decks when it premieres, there will always be Trek.
But there's Trek. There always will BE Trek. Whether I'm rewatching Starship Mine for the eighth time, or watching the first episode of Picard when it comes out, whether I'm bingeing DS9 for the 3rd time, or maybe watching the first episode of Lower Decks when it premieres, there will always be Trek.
[Space Dad!]
And for that, and for Gene
Roddenberry's fantastic mind, and the wonderful people who have
played characters in this show for years, and those who will play new
in the years to come, I am grateful.
And especially to Wilson Cruz, who told me, when I wasn't sure I did, "You got this."
And especially to Wilson Cruz, who told me, when I wasn't sure I did, "You got this."
I love this post so much.
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