Star Trek's Best Beards
Interlude I: Trek's Beards
My early years found me largely averse to beards, and while many beards occupied my worldview, I was a callow youth, and preferred a clean shaven gentleman, and nothing else. I thought Mr T was cool, sure, but I didn't think much about his beard.
Cut to me at the tender age of 23, coming between my then-boyfriend (now husband) and his mother, over him keeping his goatee (my preference) and him shaving it (his mother's preference). He still has the goatee, and we talk to his mother on weekends. My first foray into "Hey aren't beards great?" My wife and I (I'm poly, shh) often gush over hot beards. Nothing says love like objectifying facial hair.
In Trek, of course, there are plenty of beards, many more than I plan to discuss here, but the most important beard is the Riker Beard™. The Riker beard changed the face of TNG (shh I know about Spock's beard, we're getting there), *cough* and really lent the show some weight. And made me take Jonathan Frakes seriously. (As an adult anyway.)
This is, of course, Riker's best beard. It's as warm and friendly as he is, it's sexy without being overwrought, and the beard can smolder for him in times of emergency. It's a sexy beacon that lets you know that you're safe with him because he will make sure he has your consent. This is the first beard most people think of when thinking of Trek.
But all is not love and facial hair, sometimes the makeup artists weren't sure what to do with poor, poor Jonathan Frakes. The first one looks like he's trying to cosplay as Grizzly Adams with a bear rug wrapped around his face, and the other looks like he's playing Grandpa Riker at the home Christmas play and combed flour into his beard. It's not a good look. He's also subject to some terrible old-age makeup (I blame the 90s for this).
Now THIS is an old man beard. I cheered when he showed up in Picard at this pivotal moment (he is a cute dad earlier in the season but nothing says "hot" like competence and this man in a uniform). My wife and I spent days discussing the majesty of Old Man Riker here. I'm sure he wouldn't approve of the nickname, but we did find him deeply attractive.
Next up is Spock's beard! I can't neglect the actual Formative Beard™ of Trek, Leonard Nimoy's Mirror!Spock and his glorious Beard of Evil.
Pretty sure this was the sexual awakening for a lot of people in the 1960s, and again when it went to reruns in the 1980s. And 90s. And now on streaming. This is the Defining Beard of Trek. If you think "beard" and "Star Trek" in the same sentence, 95% of you will be thinking of this beard.
Nimoy looks like a sex god, but also like he is singularly the most competent person in the Mirror Universe, and we do love a competent person. It's a faaaaaaake but damn is it a good fake. Spock looks less evil and more dapper, and maybe that's part of why it is one of the most iconic beards in Trek.
Which leads us to Discovery's "Goth Sex God Spock" aka Beardy Broody Boy, aka "Ethan Peck is WHO'S grandson?!" (surprise, he's Gregory Peck's grandson, and seems to have gotten all of the acting chops and good looks, as well as the kindness and compassion).
Seriously, look at this beard. It's epic. It's soft, it's shaggy, and it shows you just how much Spock has been through. It is an Illustrative Beard™ and it illustrates a LOT. Including my superficial attraction to beardy, brooding men with something tragic in their history. (Please see additional entries).
It's a beard that takes Mirror!Spock's and pushes it so far that you're pretty sure that's your eyeballs sizzling. Spock is the ultimate Byronic hero here, and despite the fact that I'm pretty sure Lord Byron would have wept if he'd witnessed a single hair on his own chinny chin chin, Spock evokes everything that Byron stood for.
I'd stay here in Bearded!Spock land forever, but we do have to move on and continue this travesty. I mean list.
And now we shall move on to the last Vulcan entry on this list but not the last Disco entry on this list, Mirror!Sarek.
I have to admit, on seeing James Frain (who I had only previously seen (and adored) as the obsequious and servile Jarvis on Tron Legacy, and briefly as regular Sarek, I choked. Possibly literally. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING could prepare me for the sight of bearded Mirror!Sarek.
Not every Vulcan can pull this off, of course, I mean, see for yourself if you don't believe me, but the S'chn T'gai family makes this shit WORK. There is nothing more blindingly logical than the sweep of Vulcan brows surmounting the perfectly groomed beard. Now I've gone and done it, I've ruined it for every other beard on this list. I should have put Sarek and Spock last. Oh well.
In the realm of Alternate Universe Beards (the AUB) we have the McCoy:
Sensitive, yet sarcastic, and afraid of outer space. Not even sure this man is willing to fly either. I think McCoy would rather eat gagh than go on this trip, but at least he gets to practice medicine. It's a shame we don't see this beard anywhere else on Alt!Trek, (and some will argue it isn't a beard at all), but it's a nice reflection of the beard next on the list.
This. This is THE most glorious beard in Trek, something we will never see again in the show, alas. Yes, we all enjoy Leonard H McCoy cleanshaven, but you can't tell me that DiscoDoc here doesn't look absolutely smashing. It's probably because he matched his whole goddamned look with that beard. Space leisure suit, medallion, belt, heck even his shoes went with this look. McCoy is always doing something different, and this sure lets you know that one.
From surprise beard to surprise beard, we visit with the delightful beard of Captain Morgan Bateson, from the Bozeman.
Up until this point (and since) I had never seen Kelsey Grammer with a beard. I never watched Cheers, and hadn't watched Frasier until my wife moved here in 2013. (I love it by the way, although you'd be surprised my favorite character is the neurotic Niles. OR WOULD YOU BE). Frankly, I'm impressed. Not only does his beard look like his own, it has the same slight curl as his hair, and it's a lovely gingery color. I wouldn't call it sexy (I'm a picky bitch), but I can see how someone might find it so. It gives Bateson weight as a character, and you take him and his situation incredibly seriously. (That and his sad mouth and "I am suffering" expression.) This beard makes me feel emotional distress for this man.
For another emotionally distressing beard, we have the mighty beard of mighty asshole Admiral Dougherty.
[Nice beard for a dick. ]
Okay maybe you hated Insurrection because you thought the story was weird, or the Slo-Mo drug from Dredd was strangely made into pollen, or because you thought that the face stretching was too horrifying for Trek, but I thought it was weird and cool. EXCEPT FOR THIS ASSHOLE. THIS IS WHY I TRUST LIKE 2 ADMIRALS. Don't give them the bars, man, they will turn into the worst a-holes and this guy is in the top 5. Maybe even the top three. But seriously, you can't look at this face and tell me he looks like anything other than a great big fucktart. I'm not usually one for disfiguring or fatal punishment but this guy deserved it. I see this beard, and it's a perfect sign for "hello I'm in charge and I will shit on everything you love".
In the realm of Trek itself shitting on something you love, welcome to Captain Terrell's beautiful beard:
Captain Terrell has almost zero screen time in Wrath of Khan but baby!me (and even me now) loved him instantly. He's affable and kind, and doesn't like the charmingly smarmy (smarming?) Khan. And then they had to kill him to show you just how horrible Khan really is. I mean. Those ear slugs or whatever. Go on, tell me how Insurrection is worse. I dare you. Definitely reminded me of early Stargate SG-1 with the goa'uld parasite. Seriously, I watched that and thought of this. I mean, at least Chekov survived? But frankly I would have considered giving up Chekov for this Dr Strange's hair as a beard. (This is why you don't ask me to consider which characters stay on a show. For the record I love Walter Koenig).
But then we can return to beards we love unconditionally! And we'll start with my second favorite Klingon beard, Worf's:
I always thought Worf was cool, even when I was too young to understand why he was angry all the time. Now I relate more to Worf than anyone else on DS9 except for when I relate to Jadzia Dax. Now before you tell me "Worf was on TNG too!" I know! I know he was, and I watched him grump his way through his seasons after they unfairly killed off Denise Crosby Lt Yar. But this beard... this is luxurious, soft, and while fake as hell, you can't remotely tell. A Romulan senator might, but we're not asking him, we're blowing up his shuttle instead. Wait. Seriously though, this beard is fit for a warrior, although admittedly it reminds me of Worf's warrior bob up there from TNG.
Speaking of beards fit for a warrior, let's pay some homage to some (admittedly awful) pictures of the beard of General Martok:
JG Hertzler has the glorious distinction of playing 1/3 of the characters in Star Trek, the rest of whom are played by Jeffrey Combs or W Morgan Sheppard (the late great father of another amazing character actor, Mark Sheppard). He also has the glorious distinction of playing the my personal favorite Klingon on DS9 (I loved Worf before DS9 he doesn't count shh), General Martok. This beard, like Worf's, is the beard of a warrior. But Martok's is one up- this beard makes his points known (with it's own point, get it? No? Fine). I love a good Van Dyke styled beard, and Martok's Klingon equivalent does my soul good. Also his love for his (amazing!) wife Sirella is adorable. A powerful warrior who is soft for someone he loves is always a winner.
Speaking of people who plays everyone in Star Trek (and of Van Dyke beards!) we have the esteemed beard of Frederic La Rouque:
Marc Alaimo, most known for playing Gul Dukat, plays a very dashing man with a very dashing beard who is an excellent gambler, until he makes the mistake of trying to grift Data. This beard literally tells you that he will charm you out of your money and your clothing, and probably leave you high and dry but not without telling you that you're worth more than scoundrels like him.
That beard would look douchey on probably anyone else, but it just makes La Rouque look like a high-rolling charming bastard. I blame Marc Alaimo. He's very good at being charming. You can almost overlook what a d-bag Dukat is. (Not really)
In the realm of charming beards, we have the oft overlooked beard of one Geordi La Forge, who is overlooked in many other ways as well:
[Even Levar likes that second beard!]
Ah, Geordi. The second most hapless-in-love character in all of Star Trek (first being Harry Kim, who remained perma-ensign because Dick Rick Berman hated him), when all they needed to do was let him have Data. Anyway, shipping aside! I don't dislike the first beard, but the second beard is P E R F E C T. Geordi is extremely competent, but this lets it show. Sure, I miss the VISOR as the much as the next guy (not that Levar did, he couldn't fricken see, between that and the "blind" contacts they gave him that made him literally blind!), but I could trade that in for this absolutely fabulous beard. I never could understand why no one wanted to date Geordi, I always thought he was fun and personable! I would have. Still would. Granted I grew up with Reading Rainbow too, but Levar Burton can get it.
For beards that mean you can definitely get it as well as a game-changer of a beard that harkens back to the start of this blog post, we have the Ben Sisko:
[Couldn't leave out the baseball, or that adorable smile!]
Sisko went from looking like a young commander who had lost (almost) everything to a tough badass, and the show took a similar turn! DS9 turned somewhat darker and more serious after Sisko lost his hair and gained this Hawke beard (if you've never heard of Spencer for Hire and the spinoff show Hawke, well, go look it up), but Sisko never lost his fatherly charm. A good dad is sexy! And this beard is definitely a sexy dad beard. Pop him in a uniform, and he's somebody you won't mess with. Give him a baseball, and he's a huge nerd. I still make jambalaya because of this perfect single dad and his perfect beard.
I was going to include Benny Russell from Far Beyond the Stars (my favorite episode!) but he and Sisko have the exact same beard, so I swapped him for JG Hertzler's character from the same episode, because his beard is NOTHING like Martok's.
[Who gave that beard a cigar?]
Hertzler portrays a newspaper artist in this episode, who triggers Benny's writing streak and makes him start to question reality when he "remembers" being on DS9. Easily my favorite DS9 episode (and in my top 3 of Trek episodes), it makes DS9 the product of a writer's imagination, and explores racism in the 1950s. Roy's beard here is more expressive than half the characters on the show, and I can't resist the visual of a goatee and a cigar (is this why I like Ron Perlman?) even if half the time I can't remember the character.
A more memorable beard belongs to the father of previous entry winner Worf, Sergey Rozhenko. I do love the Rozhenkos very much, both of Worf's parents, as well as Alexander (yes I'm ignoring his brother Nikolai, so sue me).
Look at this beard! It's majestic. This is a beard to be proud of. This beard is a better warrior than half the Klingon race. It's beautiful. It's soft. It's thick. It has it's own personality. This beard would never lie to you or betray you. It makes Sergey look loving and kind, and like a big soft Russian bear. It also makes him look sturdy and strong, and like the exact sort of person who would raise Worf to be the single best Klingon. (Martok being a strong second. Fite me. (L'rell being 3rd). It's a comfortable beard.
For comfortable beards, I especially enjoy the beard of displaced farmer Jack Hayes from Voyager's The 37s:
Jack Hayes is one of the many bewildered folks who were abducted in this very entertaining episode of Voyager. Poor Jack was driving his fertlizer truck when he was hijacked. He looks exactly like the sort of upstanding gentleman you'd buy your fertilizer and eggs and milk and what have you from, and that beard only helps. It's a working-man's beard, the sort the entirely eschews the late 30s aesthetic of sleek cheeks and bare chins. I'd go to him before anyone else. An honest beard.
A slightly more dishonest beard, and the biggest beard chameleon on this list, we have the ever-changing beard of Ash Tyler:
[From Baby Beard to Warrior Daddy to Prospector Jim]
It's maybe a bit unkind to say that Ash Tyler's beard is a dishonest one, but to be fair (SPOILERS) he used to be a Klingon, the sort that didn't have a beard and probably never would have. And then he grows this amazing pelt that lies to you and tells you that he was always human, wasn't he? But no! Tyler undergoes the most amazing facial hair arc, which gives you far more insight into his character, changes, and growth. It is also incredibly hot, and Shazad Latif wears it like a king. (he also preferred it because and I quote "I look about 9 without one") Even his Mountain Man beard is hot, although maybe it's a bit much. That might be the beard-fever talking, I'm overloaded. @_@
And last, but certainly not least, since I left off my regular posting while doing TAS, I would be incredibly amiss if I did not include the illustrious beard of one Svenquist O'Shea:
I have not yet reached his episode, but I will judge him solely on this photo: This looks like a fine upstanding Irish beard, and he looks like a fine upstanding captain, and I will be entirely disappointed if he does not live up to my hopes and expectations. That is a hopeful and optimistic beard. If he is evil, I will riot.
Thank you for attending this ridiculous (and ridiculously long) exploration of beards in Star Trek, particularly ones that caught my eye or are unfairly sexy, or are fine and upstanding. I hope you were slightly amused, and slightly informed. I'm sorry I haven't posted lately, but I will be continuing to, moving forward. Feel free to tip me on Ko-Fi if you enjoyed this!
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