Discovery: Season One, Episode Five

Star Trek Discovery
Season One, Episode Five
Choose Your Pain
[original airdate: 10|15|2017]
[spoilers ahoy!]

 [Michael dreaming of Michael (an image of Michael in Engineering, at the console with the box with
gray tubes. Across from her in a glass enclosure full of spores is... her.)]

Well, this is certainly a trip. I wasn't expecting a dream sequence, even if Trek has had a few in the past. Holy shit that was dark. And is she imaginging the tardigrade's pain, since she saw how it reacted, or is she actually experiencing it after the fact somehow? Either way, chills.

Must be nice to wake up somewhere safe, with your faintly snoring roomie (did you take back the pillow Michael?) on a space ship. Man could you imagine having a dream like that in Starfleet prison? Ugh.

I do like that the first person she goes to is Doctor Culber. I like him and he really has a lot of wisdom without being either a jerk or super cryptic. He's also a Good Boy. I mean geez, doctor or not, he could dismiss her, and without her even asking he's like "I'll run some tests."

 [So wise and Good. (an image of Dr Culber speaking with Michael.)]

And after some cool holographic effects, it's Admiral Cornwell, aka Ms Sternface. And your friend, the bald Vulcan. I don't think I've seen a Vulcan that didn't have hair and it's cool.

[A dark-skinned, bald Vulcan admiral.]

Okay I don't know but I feel like taking something that only JUST came out of the testing stage, that killed an entire ship full of people and trying to fit every ship of the line with it is... Not Good. I mean, this is the kind of thing that means the Klingons could win the war just because everybody spun out into oblivion and there's no Starfleet to fight against. AND never mind the fact that they don't yet know how it's affecting the tardigrade and they're like EXPLOIT EXPLOIT. I mean. That's bullshit.

[a gif of Han Solo looking around saying "I have a
really bad feeling about this."]

Sure, let's outfit everything with spore drives, but hey, let's pretend Discovery doesn't exist so the Klingons don't steal the tech. (I feel like the Klingons would prefer the cloaking tech, than some crazy voodoo like the spore drive.)

Yes please sideline a ship during a war, especially when they can help. Because that always works out real well. I do not blame Lorca for how annoyed he is by this. I mean when you literally have something that can turn the tide for your side, and can have millions of lives and they're like "nah fam" you gon be pissed.

 [ #pissed (a gif of angry looking Ron Swanson ) ]

HI TILLY. She's so cute. No Michael, you aren't allowed to sit by yourself. Oh baby stop that. Michael is just a butthead right now because she doesn't like talking about herself. Most likely 'cause she still thinks of herself as a convict or a former convict. ITS NOT BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU TILLY.

At least you got her talking. (Really Michael, it's not you, it's me? I mean it's true but... wow.) Why are you so smart about this Tilly? You're like 12. I mean, good for you but dang. She's right though, you usually only notice you're stressed when you have time to be stressed.

Annnnnd no thank you. If you have eye issues do not look once it cuts away from Michael and Tilly until after you hear the hiss and beep. Ouchies. Man, it's bad enough that I had to stick myself for two weeks post surgery in the leg. God knows I would not wanna stick my eye.

 

[Lorca and his eye meds. The syringe is shaped like a thick pen.
he is preparing to use it, but it is not near his eye.]

Yeah my eyes hurt in bright light after eye drops too. Geez. And I dunno, I've never been a fan of superbright lighting. I mean, a 60 watt bulb is good, or 75. But Starfleet's lights all seem to be around 150-200 watts.

 [Me when Starfleet turns on the lights. (a gif of a skeleton with fire exploding around it
clinging to a chain link fence. From Terminator.)]

Also damn Cornwell. I mean, sure you didn't think he was here but 3000 watts for what? Checking out space? And you know he doesn't trust doctors, so why even suggest he gets his eyes fixed? Ahaha you tell 'em. "It's punishment for blindsiding me in that meeting" lmao.

CUT THE CRAP GABRIEL.

Ahahahahaha omg. I love this show. She is not having your shit sir, just like you're not having hers. Also OP thinks Gabriel is a hot name. My girlfriend concurs. Maybe I should consider changing my name. *thoughtful*

Oh Admiral, shut up. I mean, you're cool, but seriously? Who cares what people think of Lorca? He's in a war, you have to make judgements not everyone likes, they gave him persmission to do what he saw fit during this war. And he's not just out there coldbloodedly killing people. Michael's a good person. So she did a bad thing but is that really all you're gonna judge her for?

"Are you uncomfortable with the power I've been given, Admiral?" "I'm your friend." "Mmhmm." (Seriously, maybe they weren't a good friend, but some of us have had friends like that)

MY SHIP MY WAY.

[a green and white road sign that says "my way" with an arrow
pointing to the upper right

, and "the highway" below with an arrow pointing left.]

Oh shi-- sudden unidentified ship out of warp, tractoring the shuttle Lorca's on? The waste has contacted the spinning blades, friends. IS IT KLINGONS???

It's Klingons.

Damn. They busted in, took away the phaser rifles like candy from a baby, and killed the shuttle pilot. Ho shit is L'Rell in the white armor? And she knows Lorca? Aaaa *bites nails* What's happening? What are they gonna do? They're not gonna kill him, that's for sure.

Is- Oh no. Lorca's meds for his eyes! 

 [Oh no. (A blurred background shot focused on Lorca's eye
medication syringe on the ground.)]

 Saru! It's time for you to rescue the captain! And you've got to do it the hard way because they can mask their trail. UGH. Also I love Owosekun's hair, it's so cool. Uh oh, the ganglia came out. Is it Michael? They seem very attuned to her. Yep.

You in for a surprise, missy. He ain't here. Man, Saru, it's like roasting people is in your nature. Or at least roasting Michael. You're afraid of her... does using sarcasm make you feel better? I mean that legit.

Well at least he's listening.

 [I'm listening. (Saru faces Michael in the ready room, his fingers steepled as he listens to her.)]

Wow, you are being a straight dick here Saru. If this was Tilly, would you be telling her you don't care about the tardigrade? Or her opinion? I mean do you just not like Michael? I get that you need proof, but shit you should at least be concerned about the creature's well-being because it could present a problem.

And you just dismissed her concerns. Wow. Come on Saru, this is not becoming of an acting captain. Lol especially in light of that list of most decorated captains, and the bravery and COMPASSION THAT YOU ARE NOT SHOWING... and you want to compare your actions as acting captain. Lawd you vain, boy.

And computer you are NOT helping. Do not eliminate the destructive force please.

 [Sir not appearing in this film. (Trivia: Robert April was Gene Roddenberry.
(the image is a database list of Starfleet's most decorated captains. The list includes
Robert April, Jonathan Archer, Matthew Decker, Philippa Georgiou, and Christopher Pike.)]

Awww it's sleeping Lorca! Probably knocked out but hey, he looks cute anyway. #Problems And then he's being fondled. Maybe attempting to loot the 'body'? Yup. Who is that hairy man? Omg is that Rainn Wilson? Don't strangle Rainn Wilson!

.... Harcourt Fenton Mudd...?

Never mind, keep strangling him, Lorca.

Look dude, you were just fondling a guy in order to steal his shit, he's not going to be receptive to jokes. Especially since I think he's bleeding from the head, he just came to, and there's a bright fucking light out there. Which you've acclimated to.

Oh boy! It's a Klingon prison ship!

[We're all very excited. (Sponge Bob and Patrick Star outside of
a set of glass doors, flinging hands overhead saying "Hooray."]

 "My only crime is loving too much..." Listen here you extra piece of shit. You're on a Klingon prison ship, one you said was 'particularly nasty'. Stop your lying. And what is with that Game of Thrones jacket you've got there? Looks like you liberated it from Jaime Lannister.

Well yeah, if you want a space dad to respect you, I guess buying a moon might work. >_> And I'm supposed to believe that you, falling behind on your payments, would run into the Klingons on 'accident' and they'd dump you in a 'particularly nasty prison'.

[a meme image of Fry from Futurama squinting.]

 Cuz like seriously... if you were telling the truth, why tell it in such a damn gradiose way? Are you THAT bored? Come on Mudd, you're not fooling anyone. What did you REALLY do?

Omg there's another Starfleet officer in here??? And he's in particularly bad shape it looks like, what with Mudd kind of sarcastically saying he's "out to lunch". And now the Klingons are here. NOPE. Annnnd title drop. No thank you.

[a gif of Simon Cowell looking horrified captioned "it's a no from me."]

 And Mudd indicates the damaged Starfleet officer when they say "choose your pain". o.O Well I'm confused. And they beat him up and throw him across the room... and broke his nose. Does this mean that this is what they'd have done if it had been Mudd, and he transferred this to the other guy???

Oh shit, it's to keep them from bonding and trying to escape! That's actually... smart. Horrible, but smart. Yeah, you're right, he IS conspicuously free of bruises. "That's right, I'm a survivor, like you." OK Beyoncé.

"You know Lt Stamets rarely, if ever, listens to me."
"I can handle him."
"Please show me how."

[an image of Pacha from Emperor's New Groove
one hand in the "okay" gesture, the other upraised. His expression
appears to say "this is exquisite."]

Ah yes. Open with flattery. Culber is interested, Stamets... just confused. And then he's like "yeah I know I'm brilliant what do you want." I love him. At least he's actually listening, especially when Culber agrees that something's wrong.

Damn is everyone just in fine roasting form on this ship? That was a hell of a pair of burns, you guys.

Geez Stamets don't you try to blame Michael for this. She didn't want to, but that's what's happening. Wow, someone actually swallowing their pride and not arguing. I'm proud of you Michael! Even if it's tough.

No one is surprised that Harry Mudd snores. Oh! Hello cutie in the corner! Awww, he's nice, offering Lorca some food (which he refuses, good boy. Even if he's right, you're also right, he's been there longer), and his name is Ash Tyler.

Uhhh... oh boy. The captain is taking a liking to him? Aaaa ;___; That doesn't sound good. I mean, it keeps you alive but... yeah. At least Lorca is understanding. And pragmatic about it, since it might mean escaping.

Uh oh. Harry's watching. Nosy little shit. Omg. He stole Tyler and Lorca's food with a bug! Fricken guy. Especially since they were injured and hungry, and he was untouched. 

[A gif of RuPaul in a gold dress and blond wig saying "That's just plain rude."]

Lol. You. Respectable. Yeah okay I believe Starfleet might be the reason you're out of a job, but that's because you scream scammer and/or pirate to me. And you're a little shit. I feel like if you'd lasted, you'd have been Maquis.

What.

No 'choose your pain'? WHAT. Just grab Lorca and drag him off? What is up with that???

So you DID listen, Stamets. Good.

Prototaxites stellaviatori. Man that sounds so cool. (Trivia bonus: prototaxities is a fossil fungi. It existed 430 million years ago.) The network is amazing, wow. Check this out:

[This is so fucking cool. (an image of holographic blue strands (and nodes) that indicate the
mycelial network. It is a very dense "tangle" of strands.)]

Well I don't know if horizontal gene transfer is real (and I don't think I care) but ooooooooo. Pseudoscience or not, oooooo. And that's clever, Tilly. If you built a virtual version, it might help! SMART CINNAMON ROLL.

And the first F-bomb. From Tilly. I love. And I love even more that when she apologizes, Stamets tells her that it's okay, and smiles and I'm so happy right now. *sob*

Uh oh.

[a gif of Marlin and Dory, suddenly noticing the lampfish's teeth.
Caption reads "Good feeling's gone."]

 That's a table full of weapons. And he compliments her on her English. And she knows too much. And she's all touchy-feely. It might be less creepy if she didn't want to TORTURE HIM.

And as per usual, another Discovery crewmember is a walking sass machine. But she's gonna blast him with light I bet.

Ouch. That's hilarious. And. "Right number of organs?" I really hope this comes back later. Somehow.

Um. Wow. I didn't expect them to go freaking Clockwork Orange with this. I'm not going to compare (I think that one might be worse) but this one's pretty damn bad. Wow.

 [cue Singing in the Rain here. (a close shot of Lorca in a Clockwork Orange
styled headpiece. Clawed hands are adjusting it)]

HI RHYS you're cute. (I had to look up your name to spell it right but hiiiiiiiii. Trek is full of cuteness) Also hi Saru. And just when you wanna get going, Stamets took the spore drive offline. OOPS.

Just in the middle of Tilly asking if she can access the classified stuff, Saru comes in, Dad Mode engaged.

And Saru is being dismissive of Michael yet again... at least this time there's more reason, because eugenics stuff is forbidden (assuming the Eugenics Wars, I'm not surprised). EEP.
Saru please don't yell ;__; Akjzshf he's so mad. :C Ahhh, he's still broken up over Captain Georgiou. Okay, I think I understand now. T_T

So you're gonna hurt the tardigrade anyway. Saruuuuuuu no. And don't send Michael to quarters. Tilly and me are just gonna go cry in the corner from empathy here.

 [Secondhand sads. This girl could take down empires
(An image of Tilly, hair in bun, looking like she's going to cry)]

Well, I don't know how long Lorca was in there, but I am not surprised he's going after Mudd now. Oh shit. I mean, I'm not surprised Mudd is ratting them out but damn dude. And what were you gonna get from this?

Okay so throwing the space cricket was kind of out of order, but I'll let it pass because that was terrible. I think he was just mad, and didn't really intend to kill it or anything. Tyler's not happy either. If it was me, I probably just would have punched Mudd, but I'm kind of afraid of bugs lol.

"Have you no decency?" L-M-A-O That's real damn rich coming from you, Mudd, you condescending piece of shit. Especially considering what came out of his mouth next.

[a gif of Jon Steward mouthing "oh snap" and snapping.]

Oh noooooooooo god Lorca must have so much survivor's guilt! T_T poor guy. Oh man. Oh man that's so bad. I don't know if I'd make the same decision, but I don't blame him for making it. Klingons probably would do all of that, and ugh. *shudder*

Ok I like Airiam. She's cool

 [Have I mentioned her before? Do I care? I love her ok
(image of a woman with gray and white robot-like features.)]

Oh the poor tardigrade is not happy. POor thing. I'm sorry Ripper! I'm sure they'll find a way to fix this! And poor Michael in her quarters, knowing what's happening, because of the Black Alert. Uuuugh. Poor everyone.

I LOVElovelove that Stamets is the first one to the tardigrade. You know Michael would be if she could be there. And Tilly's right after.

exCUSE me Saru! You're awful. How dare you just go all "rehydrate it and bring it back" I'm sorry but ugh. No. OMG DID YOU JUST GIVE CULBER THE HAND.

[Damn that's cold, dude (Saru giving Culber the hand and looking away.)]

You apologize to that boy right now. And poor Stamets, probably doesn't want to have to do the thing, but he knows he has to. Man, that look Culber gave him…

Lmao look at Mudd begging them not to choose him. Maybe you shouldn't have done all the things you did, huh? TYLER NO. Shut up Mudd no one likes you. Oh shit! They're fighting back oh shit! And winning!

YEsssssss

No, Mudd, you may not join us. Asshole. You fucked up everything and now you're like "wahh I wanna go!" Try contributing to the group next time. And quit whining, you little brat. You're such a coward geez.

[Heavy from TF2 grinning with caption "CRY SOME MORE"]

Watch them boys fight them Klingons. And Captain Lorca trying (and still wanting) to save Tyler. And. Oh no. It's L'Rell. Bye. Well THAT fight was unexpected, holy shit. Damn Ash what'd she DO to you??? It's not often you beat someone's ass and then sit on them and beat them shitless for like five straight minutes unless something damn crazy happened.

Wow, I didn't even know you could get a disruptor burn. Ouch.

 [What are THOOOOOSe? Okay it may be a little hard to see, sorry about that. Little pods with a spiky fan.]

Those are so cool! What are they?? Oooh Klingon raiders! They're awesome. And Tyler and Lorca stole one. And they're headed back to Discovery.

Saru isn't showing threat ganglia... Because he's prey he knows how predators work, if they work in packs, what they'll do so he knows! Yeyyy! They get away! Such triumphant music!

Ugh Stamets does NOT sound happy. They jumped but... eesh. I can only imagine. And Tyler so grateful for being back.

UH OH. Stamets isn't replying, and his lifesigns are in distress? What HAPPENED??? Oh shit. Oh no. Oh god he took the tardigrade's place! ;__;

[Gif of Captain America getting gutshot with a blue energy beam.
Caption is "right in the feels"]

 Annnnnnd he's crazy. Lmao. But no I don't think he's actually anything other than deeply relieved at it working and him not being dead. Seeing Saru showing so much compassion after being angry for half this episode is really nice.

He even goes to Michael! Oh noooo he's admitting he's jealous of what she had. Oh Saru ;__; And now I'm gonna cry because even though he was kind of mean to her, she still tells him he did well with what little training he had in that regard. I think I'm gonna cry. Okay I think you broke my feels. She gave her the telescope and Michael is SO good and SO pure...

[Wilf from Doctor Who crying, hand over mouth.]

 As always, my love for Tilly grows exponentially as she recites some poem over the poor tardigrade in it's cryptobiotic state. I told you she'd befriend a space monster if she could. This is a ship of cinnamon rolls, I swear to god. Listening to Michael say she thinks what'll make it most happy is to be free. Ugh. <3

And they were right.

So now we get to find out just what is going on with Stamets and Culber. Are they brushing their teeth??? How fucking cute and domestic is that. Culber put the scanner down. Your space husband is fine. Seeing Culber listening to his precious nerd scientist geeking out over the mycelial network is slaying me. Also "You. Stop doctoring. I'm fine."

 [skjdhakfjga so cute (a gif of Culber stroking Stamets' hair. Stamets is blissful.)]

 WHAT IS THAT? YOU KNOW I HATE LINGERING REFLECTIONS. NO. GO AWAY. AFHKDSJGFHDG

Okay, this is a good episode. I'd put it at 9/10. I hate Harry Mudd but that's not the episode's fault. It was good over all but a little choppy. But you know. A lot to tell.