Trek Break: Captain's Personal Blog
Since this is when Discovery went on break, I decided it might be nice to post a little blog entry about Trek and it's effect on my life. I promise there'll be a new episode next week, so don't worry, I won't keep you in the lurch for over a month. XD
The year, 1986. Star Trek: The Original Series was in reruns. I was
seven years old. I knelt on the floor in the living room, playing
with dolls... He-Man, She-Ra, Barbie, and Transformers. The
television was on.
I looked up from my toys to see people in the now-iconic uniform. Both people in red turned abruptly to small blocks of white. Both are picked up, one crushed. The other restored. Frightened, I changed the channel.
Some time later, I turned on the television. A new episode, a new story. It's early on this time, though I don't know it. Four people transport to a ship. Everywhere are uniforms, with white crystals spilling out. The doctor explains that humans are made up of 70% water. When you take it away, the crystals are what's left. Again, I was afraid. I changed the channel.
I looked up from my toys to see people in the now-iconic uniform. Both people in red turned abruptly to small blocks of white. Both are picked up, one crushed. The other restored. Frightened, I changed the channel.
Some time later, I turned on the television. A new episode, a new story. It's early on this time, though I don't know it. Four people transport to a ship. Everywhere are uniforms, with white crystals spilling out. The doctor explains that humans are made up of 70% water. When you take it away, the crystals are what's left. Again, I was afraid. I changed the channel.
[Those used to be people, mind you.]
[Mood.]
A year later. Reruns again are on television. Two men, men I don't
recognize even though they'd been on the stories before, are
fighting, the third watching. Women and men with pointed ears and
fabulous eyebrows also watch. The pointed-eared man kills the other.
This time, I don't change the channel. This time I watch in
fascination as it turns out the man in the gold shirt, the captain,
was not dead. I watch to the end.
It's years, in fact,
it's a month and a half ago that I learned the name of the two Treks
that had frightened me off of the show initially. (By Any Other Name
and The Omega Glory) I still haven't watched them. I will eventually,
on this blog, I intend to blog everything Trek.
I was a
cautious, anxious child. A child of divorce, of strange
circumstances, of lies and gaslighting, of a mother who's mood was
mercurial, she who might play one moment, and scream the next. Of a
father who hid insults and creepy commentary amongst the sharing of
television shows and movies.
But despite the frightening
start, Trek pulled me in. Space. I loved space. I could see a few
stars in the sky in my yard at night. I borrowed the book about space
from my fourth grade teacher so often she eventually gifted me my own
copy. I wrote a too-long essay in sixth grade on Neptune. I put it in
a blue folder.
I started watching TNG. I don't know what
season, possibly season one. I remember Tasha Yar dying. I remember
the black sludge. I remember Wesley's terrible sweaters, seen from a
child's point of view, my horror at the idea of wearing them. It
might've been Datalore I saw first, or maybe Lonely Among Us.
Whatever it was, I kept on watching.
[The worst. I love this monstrosity.]
I
related the most to Wesley because I too, was a child genius. I too,
felt superior to my peers but also felt as if I were alone because I
couldn't relate to them, so making friends was hard. I too, tried to
make friends with adults because I felt like I could relate better to
them. But adults had trouble taking me seriously because I was so
young.
Over the years, I watched episode after episode. Not religiously,
that would come later, when DS9 hit the airwaves, and I would run
through the house to the shower during the intro music, and run
screaming back in time for the show, vaulting over the back of the
couch in my effort to arrive in time.
It would also come later when Voyager hit, and I would meticulously summarize the episodes by hand for my friend who had gone into the Navy, who also loved Trek.
I struggled with Enterprise, not because I didn't like the show, but season one and two were concurrent with a job that meant I couldn't always watch episodes even if I wanted to. I didn't have TiVO, even if that was a thing.
For years, DS9 was my favorite. It was dark. It was real. It had women I could relate to. Strong women. Women who were angry and no one scolded them for being angry, they were only scolded if their anger got in the way. Women who embraced being women, who did what they liked involving men. Or women.
My father hated the episode "Rejoined". He was very anti-gay, not as much as my mother, but he certainly didn't want to see men or women kissing. He didn't want that "stuff" shoved in his face. I was locked away safely in the closet, and agreed because I had no recourse. In my head, in my heart, I thought it was a strange thing to begrudge someone.
I didn't know I wasn't straight.
[Someone drew all those spots by hand. Also how can you hate this?]
My "girl crush" as they
were called at the time, was Jadzia Dax. (I cried when she died) I
loved every episode she was in, I loved her, and I didn't even know
it.
[Let me just note here that I was a space nerd. I watched Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Andromeda... if it had space, and I had time, I watched it. Luckily for me, most of the space shows happened when I was in middle and high school.]
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the episodes of TNG and TOS that I caught, but Deep Space Nine... I was old enough to really get what they were giving. (Or so I thought. Rewatching over a decade later, I realized there really are two sides to every story. There was so much as an adult I never got as a teen.)
[Let me just note here that I was a space nerd. I watched Star Trek, Star Wars, Babylon 5, Andromeda... if it had space, and I had time, I watched it. Luckily for me, most of the space shows happened when I was in middle and high school.]
Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the episodes of TNG and TOS that I caught, but Deep Space Nine... I was old enough to really get what they were giving. (Or so I thought. Rewatching over a decade later, I realized there really are two sides to every story. There was so much as an adult I never got as a teen.)
[Seriously, you can't not love her.]
Sisko was a real dad, not the
spineless jackass my own father was. Sisko loved his son,
unconditionally. Sisko was not afraid of being seen as emotional or
soft. He interrupted an entire conversation to play with a baby, ffs.
He smiled. He cried. He loved his deceased wife. He loved his
friends. And did that man ever love baseball.
It was a connection that made me miss only a few episodes of DS9, because I grew up loving baseball, watching Dodgers games on our tiny television. I understood Sisko's love of the game. I understood his need to play with the baseball when he was angry, stressed, or upset.
I loved Jake. His best friend was an alien that no one seemed to like, but he taught him to read. As a teen, I applauded it. As an adult, I wept. Soft teen boys were hard to come by it seemed. You'd see them sometimes, most often on occasion on comedy shows.
A single black family, portrayed as good, with strong moral values. A single father, loving his son. Not that there was anything wrong with black comedy, which I'm fairly certain I overdosed on, watching Fresh Prince, Hanging with Mr Cooper, The Jeffersons, 227, Family Matters, The Jamie Foxx Show, Sanford & Son, What's Happenin'?, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Good Times, and A Different World. How I had time to watch so much TV, and still be an avid reader, play outside, go to school, and occasionally take time to write and draw, as well as sleep and eat, I couldn't say.
It was a connection that made me miss only a few episodes of DS9, because I grew up loving baseball, watching Dodgers games on our tiny television. I understood Sisko's love of the game. I understood his need to play with the baseball when he was angry, stressed, or upset.
I loved Jake. His best friend was an alien that no one seemed to like, but he taught him to read. As a teen, I applauded it. As an adult, I wept. Soft teen boys were hard to come by it seemed. You'd see them sometimes, most often on occasion on comedy shows.
A single black family, portrayed as good, with strong moral values. A single father, loving his son. Not that there was anything wrong with black comedy, which I'm fairly certain I overdosed on, watching Fresh Prince, Hanging with Mr Cooper, The Jeffersons, 227, Family Matters, The Jamie Foxx Show, Sanford & Son, What's Happenin'?, Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids, Good Times, and A Different World. How I had time to watch so much TV, and still be an avid reader, play outside, go to school, and occasionally take time to write and draw, as well as sleep and eat, I couldn't say.
DS9
had everything. Love and war, close friendships, rivals. It asked the
real questions, and wasn't afraid of the answers.
[Most of my all-time favorite Trek episodes are DS9]
And then along came Voyager with a
lady captain. Again, I was won over by a show. Aside from a few
cringeworthy episodes (Threshold I'm looking at you) something all
Treks prior to Discovery have (I dare you to tell me that there isn't
at least one cringey
episode in every single Trek. Discovery may yet surprise us.), it was
a strong show. Like DS9 before it, it did things no other show
did.
While DS9 chronicled life on a space station, Voyager was literally lost in space. I couldn't stop watching a show where the lead character was a female captain. Where DS9 warned me in signals I wasn't ready for that I wasn't straight, Voyager slammed into my face that I wanted to be the tough lady. The lady who could command people and they would do what she wanted. But deep down, Janeway was also me in that I wanted to be soft, and loveable, and gentle, and kind. And that when the chips were down, people would still listen when I said "there's coffee in that nebula."
Janeway's metamorphosis from tightlaced and strict and stern to strong and firm but compassionate and gentle was noticeably chronicled through her ever-changing hair. In the beginning, it was Gibson Girl but no-nonsense, stiff and stern like she was. It softened, over time, and she even wore it half up, half down a few times. Showing how she was loosening up as she grew closer to her crew. Eventually she cut it, and with it, she cut the laces that had been holding her back.
I too, became more of who I am today when I stopped letting society's standards for hair define me as a person.
While DS9 chronicled life on a space station, Voyager was literally lost in space. I couldn't stop watching a show where the lead character was a female captain. Where DS9 warned me in signals I wasn't ready for that I wasn't straight, Voyager slammed into my face that I wanted to be the tough lady. The lady who could command people and they would do what she wanted. But deep down, Janeway was also me in that I wanted to be soft, and loveable, and gentle, and kind. And that when the chips were down, people would still listen when I said "there's coffee in that nebula."
Janeway's metamorphosis from tightlaced and strict and stern to strong and firm but compassionate and gentle was noticeably chronicled through her ever-changing hair. In the beginning, it was Gibson Girl but no-nonsense, stiff and stern like she was. It softened, over time, and she even wore it half up, half down a few times. Showing how she was loosening up as she grew closer to her crew. Eventually she cut it, and with it, she cut the laces that had been holding her back.
I too, became more of who I am today when I stopped letting society's standards for hair define me as a person.
[There's coffee in that nebula.]
[She's still looking for the coffee.]
Enterprise emerged on Voyager's
reluctantly leaving heels, the optimistic "first leap" into
space. I wasn't able to watch enough of it to really sink into it,
but what I saw, I liked. What I've read about a lot of it, I
like.
In 2005, it ended, as most fans attest, appallingly. Trek films had ended, it seemed Trek was over. Nothing new on the horizon for those of us who loved jaunting in space with a tightly knit crew and their struggles and ridiculous jokes. With their tongo and pool and detective programs.
The last Trek film, for better or worse, had been in 2002. Some people hated the films after Undiscovered Country. Some hated The Final Frontier. I was that one kind of Trek nerd who loved and embraced them all. I didn't look at Trek through rose-colored glasses. Trek has dirty secrets and terrible episodes. Trek has things about it that aren't so Trek.
TOS has it's Catspaw, Spock's Brain, and Let that Be Your Last Battlefield.
TNG has the Naked Now, Code of Honor, and Sub Rosa (bonus: Justice)
DS9 has Profit and Lace, The Muse, and Covenant
Voyager has Threshold, Nemesis (not to be confused with the much! better film), and Favorite Son
Enterprise has These Are the Voyages... (It's apparently so reviled amongst fans we don't need to dig up more cringey episodes). There's something (awful) for everyone.
In 2005, it ended, as most fans attest, appallingly. Trek films had ended, it seemed Trek was over. Nothing new on the horizon for those of us who loved jaunting in space with a tightly knit crew and their struggles and ridiculous jokes. With their tongo and pool and detective programs.
The last Trek film, for better or worse, had been in 2002. Some people hated the films after Undiscovered Country. Some hated The Final Frontier. I was that one kind of Trek nerd who loved and embraced them all. I didn't look at Trek through rose-colored glasses. Trek has dirty secrets and terrible episodes. Trek has things about it that aren't so Trek.
TOS has it's Catspaw, Spock's Brain, and Let that Be Your Last Battlefield.
TNG has the Naked Now, Code of Honor, and Sub Rosa (bonus: Justice)
DS9 has Profit and Lace, The Muse, and Covenant
Voyager has Threshold, Nemesis (not to be confused with the much! better film), and Favorite Son
Enterprise has These Are the Voyages... (It's apparently so reviled amongst fans we don't need to dig up more cringey episodes). There's something (awful) for everyone.
[Seriously this episode is terrible.]
People like me rejoiced when in
2009, Star Trek returned with Chris Pine, Zachary Quinto, and Karl
Urban in the main three's roles. The initial film was exciting, and
I felt like a kid again. It was a reboot of old stuff, but it was
still good.
Even the series' low point, Into Darkness, was still good. Beyond, of course, was beyond all else, twice and good, and Sulu was gay in the alternate universe. Good, better, best. The stories were excellent, they were well told, and things took a hard left turn when fan darling Anton Yelchin was killed when his Jeep's brakes failed. Jeep did nothing, blaming Yelchin for not having his car taken for recall.
Fans (namely me) raged, wept, and, in the end, were not overly surprised when Pine and Hemsworth refused to reprise their roles when budget cuts for the next film included their salaries. Quentin Tarantino had briefly been considered to direct. (No thank you)
It seemed Trek was over.
Even the series' low point, Into Darkness, was still good. Beyond, of course, was beyond all else, twice and good, and Sulu was gay in the alternate universe. Good, better, best. The stories were excellent, they were well told, and things took a hard left turn when fan darling Anton Yelchin was killed when his Jeep's brakes failed. Jeep did nothing, blaming Yelchin for not having his car taken for recall.
Fans (namely me) raged, wept, and, in the end, were not overly surprised when Pine and Hemsworth refused to reprise their roles when budget cuts for the next film included their salaries. Quentin Tarantino had briefly been considered to direct. (No thank you)
It seemed Trek was over.
[They were all good, but Beyond was the best. RIP Anton Yelchin.]
I wasn't surprised, honestly. It
seemed like the days of episodic space operas were dead, and I was
just going to have to binge watch (which I did) and try to get back
what I'd gotten when I was younger.
I had not heard of the announcement of Discovery until early 2017. My now-husband told me that it would be on CBS All-Access in September of that year.
What? A new Trek show? Was it possible? After all this time? Enterprise had ended in 2005. There had been no new show for fourteen years.
I watched the teaser so many times I had it memorized. I flashed back to when DS9 and Voyager had been announced, so many years ago.
This time the captain was not only a woman, but an older Asian woman. (I fangirled over the fact that it was Michelle Yeoh). The main character wouldn't even be the captain, but a young black woman with the unique but ultimately appropriate name of Michael.
I watched the pilot episode.
I had not heard of the announcement of Discovery until early 2017. My now-husband told me that it would be on CBS All-Access in September of that year.
What? A new Trek show? Was it possible? After all this time? Enterprise had ended in 2005. There had been no new show for fourteen years.
I watched the teaser so many times I had it memorized. I flashed back to when DS9 and Voyager had been announced, so many years ago.
This time the captain was not only a woman, but an older Asian woman. (I fangirled over the fact that it was Michelle Yeoh). The main character wouldn't even be the captain, but a young black woman with the unique but ultimately appropriate name of Michael.
I watched the pilot episode.
[This show is so good. Seriously, if you're not watching it, get on it.]
And I felt something I never felt as
a teenager watching the shows then. I was
the demographic, a thirty-something person, a part-time lady, a giant
space nerd. This show was for me. It
read like fanfiction, loving, well-written fanfiction.
I felt a great, growing love for this fledgling show. I wanted it to go on forever, and I'd only seen the first episode.
I religiously watched every Sunday episode. I bemoaned the break between November and January (which I am taking use of here). As an LGBTQ person, a non-binary femme-ish being, I adored the gay power couple of Culber and Stamets. They were soft, yet sarcastic. Relatable as fuck. While I am not gay, I am both soft and sarcastic, hard at times and yet still caring underneath.
Tilly, who I saw as the audience surrogate, the main character of this loving fiction that was dutifully adhering to canon, was not only relatable but humorous, the teen genius who was Wesley Crusher for a new era. Tilly: probably not straight, has a bigger to do list than anyone ever should (a list which contains more kindness to others than most people can imagine existing amidst a group of over a dozen), is intelligent, funny, kind, nervous, outspoken, and friendly. She would befriend a space monster if you let her. (She does.)
I felt a great, growing love for this fledgling show. I wanted it to go on forever, and I'd only seen the first episode.
I religiously watched every Sunday episode. I bemoaned the break between November and January (which I am taking use of here). As an LGBTQ person, a non-binary femme-ish being, I adored the gay power couple of Culber and Stamets. They were soft, yet sarcastic. Relatable as fuck. While I am not gay, I am both soft and sarcastic, hard at times and yet still caring underneath.
Tilly, who I saw as the audience surrogate, the main character of this loving fiction that was dutifully adhering to canon, was not only relatable but humorous, the teen genius who was Wesley Crusher for a new era. Tilly: probably not straight, has a bigger to do list than anyone ever should (a list which contains more kindness to others than most people can imagine existing amidst a group of over a dozen), is intelligent, funny, kind, nervous, outspoken, and friendly. She would befriend a space monster if you let her. (She does.)
[My dear doctor.]
There are more women on Discovery
than any other show, not background characters, but characters that
by episode fifteen already had a lot of screentime. Screentime that
would grow exponentially by season two.
I ranted over the twists of season one. I was angry. I was betrayed. (As I should have been). Who would take over Discovery now? Would we be able to trust the next captain? Or would we have to suffer another betrayal? And had we buried our gays? Nothing hurt more than Stamets losing Culber, even Lorca turning out to be his horrible, mirror universe counterpart. Was that the real reason Harry Mudd hated him?
We had to wait an entire year for season 2. During that time I discovered to my shock that Discovery had been out for six episodes before being greenlit for the next season. Of course it was. It screamed to everyone that it was Trek, maybe a sharper, darker Trek but it was still Trek. It was good, it was strong and solid, it was funny sometimes.
So maybe I still wanted an episode on a cowboy planet. Maybe I still wanted a visit with weird or silly aliens. Maybe I wanted a hologram accident. But it was still Trek, whether a little grimmer or not.
Season Two came and suddenly we had a new captain, with his bright smile and calm demeanor (and his ever-changing expressions, thanks to Anson Mount), Christopher Pike, who we had little to no previous development for.
I, who loved the episode The Menagerie (and the mostly lost episode, The Cage), was eager: Pike who had so little backstory, Pike, who ended up in a mobility device, Fleet Captain but unable to communicate except through machinery... I wanted to know more.
I ranted over the twists of season one. I was angry. I was betrayed. (As I should have been). Who would take over Discovery now? Would we be able to trust the next captain? Or would we have to suffer another betrayal? And had we buried our gays? Nothing hurt more than Stamets losing Culber, even Lorca turning out to be his horrible, mirror universe counterpart. Was that the real reason Harry Mudd hated him?
We had to wait an entire year for season 2. During that time I discovered to my shock that Discovery had been out for six episodes before being greenlit for the next season. Of course it was. It screamed to everyone that it was Trek, maybe a sharper, darker Trek but it was still Trek. It was good, it was strong and solid, it was funny sometimes.
So maybe I still wanted an episode on a cowboy planet. Maybe I still wanted a visit with weird or silly aliens. Maybe I wanted a hologram accident. But it was still Trek, whether a little grimmer or not.
Season Two came and suddenly we had a new captain, with his bright smile and calm demeanor (and his ever-changing expressions, thanks to Anson Mount), Christopher Pike, who we had little to no previous development for.
I, who loved the episode The Menagerie (and the mostly lost episode, The Cage), was eager: Pike who had so little backstory, Pike, who ended up in a mobility device, Fleet Captain but unable to communicate except through machinery... I wanted to know more.
[Fate has never been so cruel.]
I wanted to know how they'd bring
back Culber, as the writers (and the actor) had promised. I wanted to
know if Stamets would ever stop suffering that loss.
Discovery made me feel something that I hadn't for years. And in a new and special way. I loved every character on the show, because it was written for my era, my demographic, in a way, for me. Every week I would thump down in my seat and turn on the television (now on Thursdays). I would clench my fists or hold the hands of my partners as I watched, squeezing until sometimes they hurt, feeling every emotion as if it were my own.
I loved everything. I loved the humor, the self-sacrifice, the sarcasm, the wit. The characters roasting each other, the characters loving each other. The characters growing together. Learning who they were, and how they came to be who they were. Characters changed. Characters returned, characters died. I rejoiced, I wept, and I too, changed.
Discovery also gave me something that no other Trek could: the ability to communicate with favored actors on social media.
This may not seem like much to you, but when I had to go in for hysterectomy surgery, I not only had the imaginary support of the crew of Discovery, I had real support from real people. When I discovered I had cancer (not active, removed with the uterus), and had to get preventative chemo, I had that same support. It's not that I believe others wouldn't do the same, it's that right then, when I needed it most, they had my back.
Discovery, as a show, helped me get through bad times, helped me get through recovery from surgery, and recovery from my first round of chemo. And now that Discovery is off the air until season three, rewatching it for my blog is helping me get through the rest of my chemo.
Trek has, I think it's fair to say, molded a lot of who I am today, from the first episodes I fled from as a child, to the episodes that I've watched many times, (Frame of Mind), to the newest show, to shows yet to come... they've helped me to learn many of the things that I now know.
And for that, I am grateful.
Discovery made me feel something that I hadn't for years. And in a new and special way. I loved every character on the show, because it was written for my era, my demographic, in a way, for me. Every week I would thump down in my seat and turn on the television (now on Thursdays). I would clench my fists or hold the hands of my partners as I watched, squeezing until sometimes they hurt, feeling every emotion as if it were my own.
I loved everything. I loved the humor, the self-sacrifice, the sarcasm, the wit. The characters roasting each other, the characters loving each other. The characters growing together. Learning who they were, and how they came to be who they were. Characters changed. Characters returned, characters died. I rejoiced, I wept, and I too, changed.
Discovery also gave me something that no other Trek could: the ability to communicate with favored actors on social media.
This may not seem like much to you, but when I had to go in for hysterectomy surgery, I not only had the imaginary support of the crew of Discovery, I had real support from real people. When I discovered I had cancer (not active, removed with the uterus), and had to get preventative chemo, I had that same support. It's not that I believe others wouldn't do the same, it's that right then, when I needed it most, they had my back.
Discovery, as a show, helped me get through bad times, helped me get through recovery from surgery, and recovery from my first round of chemo. And now that Discovery is off the air until season three, rewatching it for my blog is helping me get through the rest of my chemo.
Trek has, I think it's fair to say, molded a lot of who I am today, from the first episodes I fled from as a child, to the episodes that I've watched many times, (Frame of Mind), to the newest show, to shows yet to come... they've helped me to learn many of the things that I now know.
And for that, I am grateful.
[So long and thanks for all the fish.]
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